luni, 7 februarie 2011

Ronaldo + Kardashian = Apocalypse

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that Ronaldo is no longer employed by Manchester United. However I spent more than a couple of years defending his ridiculous actions both on and off the field. So, I think it’s only fair that, when an opportunity arises, I be allowed to take a pot shot or two. Anyway…
This morning I received the following text message from my girlfriend: “Kim Kardashian and Ronaldo went on a date and made out and then went back to his house.” After I projectile vomited all over my office, I sent back a text message that I found hilarious, but apparently she did not. It seems that my decision to mock the Kardashian aspect of the story was inherently wrong.

Cristiano Ronaldo: Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? Way to make solid choices there buck-o.
Confused, I asked her to send me her thoughts on the matter. Here they are:
This morning I was struck with the disturbing news that Kim Kardashian went on a date with none other than Cristiano Ronaldo this week in Madrid. They were seen kissing and then both went back to his place for exactly four hours. I promptly decided to text this information to Taylor, expecting a response of entertaining criticism of both celebrities. However, I was surprised to find this response: “That’s enough to make a grown man want to get tested.” This response boldly implied that he found Kim Kardashian revolting. Taylor is a guy, so I understand evaluating the attractiveness of the female in this scenario; however, I think it is safe to say that whether you are a guy or a girl, Cristiano Ronaldo is far more revolting than Kim Kardashian.
Sure, she’s famous for the fact that she made a sex tape with Ray J, became a fame whore, advertised her gigantuous ass, and dated a famous American football player, but that doesn’t make her revolting. At most, she is just a sad soul who has found that the only two purposes for her existence in this world are to exhibit her quite voluptuous body parts and of course deliver scripted lines with a confused expression on her successful “reality” TV show.
Now, let’s take a look at Ronaldo. Yes, Ronaldo became famous for mostly legitimate reasons. He is pretty amazing at soccer. He huffs and puffs before taking a free kick. He had the situation long before The Situation did himself. And he frosted the tips of his hair. Though he is a bit more deserving of fame than Kim Kardashian, I wouldn’t say he is by much. But here is the revolting part: Jordan Jardel, Karina Ferro, Daniele Aguiar, Isabel Figueir, Diana Chaves, Nuria Bermudez, Soraia Chaves, Merche Romero, Luciana Abreu, Gemma Atkinson, Bipasha Basu, Karina Bacchi, Carolina Patrocinio, Lucia Garcia, Maria Sharapova, Niki Ghazian, Tyese Cunningham, Nereida Gallardo, Mia Judaken, Imogen Thomas, Letizia Filippi, Alyona Haynes, Olivia Saunders, Gabriela Endringer, Launa Belletti, Paris Hilton, and Rafaella Fico.
These are the women that were with Ronaldo between the years of 2002 to 2009. (Thank you Corey from the Real Madrid Offside for illuminating this whorish list.) That is 27 women in seven years, plus you have to add the probable one night stands made possible by the millions of hot women out there who would do anything for so much as a glance from Ronaldo. The point is that Ronaldo has slept with a plethora of women. Too many. This, in my opinion, makes Ronaldo incredibly more revolting than Kim Kardashian. And she needs to get herself tested as soon as possible.
So there you have it. My girlfriend is angry. I think that the main point of all this lies somewhere in between the two arguments. Kim Kardashian is a disgusting fame whore and Cristiano Ronaldo is a disgusting whore (albeit, a disgusting whore who’s very good at football). So, all of that said, the world must act before something terrible happens. If these two are allowed to fornicate, then there’s a 99% certainty that they will create some kind of super STD that will most likely be 1) airborne, 2) flesh-eating, 3) akin to leprosy, and 4) immediately contracted by Paris Hilton. It’s time to rally people. Either that, or invest in Penicillin

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